Purchasing Guilt

Yesterday, Emma and I went to a bead store.  Emma has been making earrings and bracelets for a while, and has received sets of beads and beading tools for gifts.  She enjoys it, and for a 10 year old, she has a good eye for design. 

This bead store is independent, and we had talked before we left about how we would buy beads that we couldn't get at places like Michael's, and then supplement them with less expensive beads to create the jewelery.   She brought her saved allowance along for her purchases.

My problem is this:  there were several more expensive beads that I wanted. The whole point of going to this store was to purchase these more expensive items that I can't get at places like Michael's.  But is it fair for me to purchase individual beads that range from $5 to $10, but make her stick to the amount she'd saved from her allowance?  I feel terribly guilty buying myself expensive items but then telling her that she can't have any of them.  In the end I did purchase two of the more expensive items that she wanted, and then she had to make decisions about what else to buy based on the amount of money she had.

This is not the first time this kind of situation has come up.  I didn't really encounter this as a kid --economic times were different, and my parents were much poorer than I am now.  But now I feel as if I should really only shop for myself when she's not around, which is difficult given that she's pretty much glued to me now that she's not in school.

I wonder how other parents deal with this?

Time with a Friend

Yesterday, Emma and I drove 3 hours to see a friend who I wish lived closer.  I haven't seen her in a while, we've both been busy, and somehow the idea of taking a day-trip seemed like a good idea.  It worked out all right --I don't really mind driving, and since it was a Thursday, traffic was light, both there and back.

Emma read to me for parts of the drive (The Secret Zoo), and we listened to Alison Krauss and Union Station, and The Decemberists, singing our hearts out. 

Virginia had a wonderful lunch waiting for us, we had a chance to walk through her gardens and discuss all the plants, go downtown to get ice cream and sit next to the Mississippi River, and then spend time talking about the people we know and their various crises.  Overall just a really nice visit.  We left for home about 4:30, and when we got home at 7:30 I told Emma to spend the next half hour running around outside.  Sitting in a car for six hours of a day, and mostly sitting and listening to adults talk, is hard when you're ten.  Of course, she could have stayed home with her dad, but of course not.  :-)

I brought a plant back --a beautiful brunnera (Jack Frost) for my shade garden, and some hollyhock seeds from last fall that she'd been saving for me.  We got the brunnera planted today.

Coffee Snob

I've been buying my coffee (whole bean and grinding a bit every few days) from The Coffee and Tea Exchange in Chicago for many years now.  I've even learned that the guy who handles their web ordering (Kevin) has a B.S. degree in geology, which is what I teach.  I love coffee, both black and white, although NEVER with anything sweet mixed in.

On a trip to my parents a couple of summers ago, I was desperate for a cup of coffee as we were heading out of town and we stopped at a Panera.  I fell in love with their cafe lattes.  I stop at Panera on my way to the college every morning and get a latte.  It's not cheap, but that's why I work, right?

Last Christmas, an espresso/cappuccino machine was the only gift on my wish list.  Not the fully automatic kind --too expensive for us.  But this little guy.  I use this machine at least twice a day, and usually more than that.  I'll have two cappuccinos in the morning, then another two in the afternoon.  I wish I could make a latte, but the steam wand isn't long enough to fit a pitcher with that much milk.  I also can't get these as hot as the ones at the coffee houses, because you make the espresso first, then have to wait a moment while the steam wand gets up to snuff.  During that time, even in a pre-warmed cup, the espresso cools off a bit.

However, even with those caveats, this was absolutely the best buy!  I actually put my regular coffee maker in a cupboard, because I never use it anymore.  If I'm going to make coffee, it'll be a cappuccino.

Time to Reboot

In the last week, Rob has been to see three doctors, and we still have no idea what's wrong.  I came home last Wednesday to find him shaking so badly that he could hardly talk, with white hands that were as cold as ice.  He seems to be cycling through fever cycles, although for the last day or so they haven't been as extreme.  We've spent several hours now at an immediate care place and at the ER.  Although we still have no idea what caused it, I think he is actually slowly improving. 

The doctors we've encountered would be funny if I weren't so worried about him.  At the immediate care clinic, I'm pretty sure that doctor had just graduated med school the day before.  I've never heard a doctor who sounded so completely unsure of himself.  He was totally inarticulate, and we left there feeling that we knew more medicine than he did!  Then the ER doctor was just downright rude.  I know they often deal with a rather unpleasant clientele, but that's no excuse to be quite so unpleasant themselves.  He was incredibly dismissive and was not the least bit interested in hearing any details --yes or no, sir.  Then, just when he'd convinced us that nothing was wrong with Rob, he ordered a million tests!  Some of them had just been done a few days before at the immediate care place, so we declined and Rob was discharged. 

I just really wonder about doctors like that.  He was so rude that our primary thought was about how quickly we could get out of there --is it really very effective medicine if you are chasing your patients away with your behavior?  Why did he become a doctor?  I think the man should work in a lab.

It's been a week now, since the symptoms started.  That's usually how long it takes a virus to run its course, so I'm hoping that's what it is and he'll start to feel better now.  Personally, considering that I'm between semesters this weekend, I shouldn't be feeling quite so behind.  And I need him to get better because there's a ton of yard work to do!

I am sitting on the couch, feeling tired.

I don't think I've slept well since peri-menopause started six years ago. I had to get up early to get Emma to school today, I had to get some exams graded and entered,  I had to go back to her school later in the morning to give the presentation to her class on Tanzania, I had to go to the grocery store to get the snack for her choir rehearsal/concert this evening.  Then I had a lunch that was too big, and some ice-cream afterward.  I bought some ice-cream while I was getting the snack foods, and it turns out I don't like it.  But I ate what was in my bowl, because it seemed such a shame to waste it.  So, I consumed empty calories and didn't even enjoy them!

In an hour I'll have to make certain Emma is dressed properly and has her choir book set up for the concert, then drive to rehearsal, wait (work) through an hour and a half of rehearsal, and sit through two hours of concert.

I need a vacation, but one that doesn't involve any other people :-)

I wonder if I can actually nap for the next hour?

Some good days.  Emma was in her class's school play on Friday evening --it was a play she liked, and she did a great job.  She's getting more comfortable on stage (no deer-in-the-headlights look this time) and I think her experience in choir has improved both her voice and her confidence.  She smiled, and the one time she started a song early, it didn't fluster her in the least.  This success gave her a boost that has lasted through a few days.  Yesterday morning she had a three hour choir rehearsal for their last concert this Tuesday, and happily spent the rest of the day singing "Didn't my Lord deliver Daniel".

Today she helped us do some gardening, and I caught a picture of her picking some lilac blooms for her room.  It's nice to have my happy girl back for a few days.

Muffins with Mom

Signed up to attend "muffins with mom" (really, it's donuts) and forgot again. 

On Wednesdays I have to get up a half our earlier than usual so Rob can get in the shower early (Mondays and Wednesdays he has early classes). Emma and I have made that our "stop at the bakery and have a donut for breakfast" day of the week.  This is just for Emma --I can't handle that much obvious petroleum product in something I'm eating.  She enjoys it, and it keeps it down to once a week. 

So, this morning, as she's finishing up her donut and we drive into the school parking lot, I mentioned that it was awfully full --was there something going on?  Then it hit me --I'd spaced it again, and just made it obvious with my comment.  I joked that she'd just had "donuts with mom" in the car, but that didn't really make her less sad that we'd missed it.  That then brought on other sadness about the school day, and some minutes of crying and hugging in the car before I could persuade her to go in to school.

I am so ready for this school year to be over. 

Bad Mom Award

Definitely earned it this time. 

When I leave for work on days that Emma doesn't have school, she always wants to give me a kiss outside, then run down our long driveway and wave me on my way.  Each time this happens, I always worry that somehow she'll be locked out of the house.

Well, yesterday she was.  Rob was home, but asleep.  When he finally got out of bed at 10 a.m., he called down for her, but when he didn't get a reply, he figured she was out playing or had earbuds in.  He took a shower.  An hour later, as he wandered back into our room to get clothes, he thought he heard crying.  He looked out the window, and there was Emma, sobbing and walking back and forth in the yard.  I had left at 8:30 a.m.  She got back in around 11:30 a.m.   She had to pee desperately, and was starving.

Last night as I was kissing her goodnight, she told me that if she hadn't known she was locked out, and had just been out playing in the yard, she probably wouldn't have even thought of how someone might come and kidnap her. 

I don't think she'll ever forget now where the spare key is hidden.

Good and Bad

Got both today. 

We have to write a Faculty Professional Development Report every year.  It's not tied to anything (raises, etc.), and I've always resented having to spend time on it --I think it's an incredibly stupid idea, and I am not saving up every little thing I did over a year in a notebook to toot my own horn.  Those people become administrators.  Anyway, I got mine back with comments from my total idiot of an Associate Dean today.  It's obvious that he didn't actually write the comments this year, which is kind of strange.  But the man is so inarticulate that his comments are usually a long-winded stream-of-consciousness paragraph full of run-on sentences that parrot what I wrote in my report.  Not this year --short, terse, to the point and clear.  Except that what they say doesn't really make sense.  So, I'm thinking he parrotted someone else's words this year, and didn't understand what he was writing well enough to make real points.  I had to write a rebuttal, of course, since this document goes into my permanent file.  Just yuck.

The good today was that I went out for dinner with a good friend, and we talked over all our problems, which always makes us feel better.  At least we know we're in it together.  And we didn't have to be moms for a couple of hours --just us.

Brave with Boys

Emma attended her first school "Rec Night" on Friday.  Rec night is held several times over the course of the school year, on a Friday from 7 to 10 p.m.  There is music and dancing in the gym, and bingo games for candy in one of the classrooms.  The kids are allowed to wander around parts of the school (parts are closed off), chatting and socializing, and there are plenty of parent-chaperones on hand.   It's normally limited to the Upper Elementary class (grades 5 & 6), but since this was the last of the year, the third year Middle Elementary students were invited to attend as well.

The week before rec night, there were several rumors swirling about --"B is going to ask me to dance, what will I do?  You're not allowed to say no."  and the like.  Emma's friend, A, agreed to meet us in the parking lot of the school so the girls could walk in together, since A has been to previous rec nights.  I went in too, to see how things were set up --a very dark gym with some flashing lights and music, and, since this was early in the evening, kids standing around the outside edges of the room. 

When Rob and I picked Emma up, she was lounging in a chair in the hallway with two other third year ME students, eating from an enormous box of Sweetarts that she had won at bingo.  She had really enjoyed herself.  On the way home, she told us that B had asked N to dance, and afterwards N came and sat down next to her, saying "Well, I survived."  Emma said N was brave.

When I was kissing Emma goodnight, after Rob had left the room, she told me that she had danced with a boy too --a friends brother that she thinks is a really nice boy.  And even better?  She'd asked him to dance!!  She told me she was shaking, but she kept remembering what her favorite teacher had said, that just because you dance with a boy doesn't mean you're in love with them.  "I don't want to tell Daddy because he'll get all hippy about it."  I'm not sure what hippy means, but of course I shared this little tidbit with Rob once I went downstairs.  In confidence, of course.