The joys of . . . .

I so appreciate this essay by NPR's Alan Greenblatt on the joys of parenting. 

This is one of the reasons that I really love reading Brain, Child magazine. I have always felt like such an inadequate parent --I've never felt consistently joyful about this experience of parenting, and in fact during the first year, when I was staying home and Rob (lucky guy) was going to work each morning, I used to joke that I was going to throw Emma into a snowbank. It was a snowy winter from November 15th (literally, it started snowing on her birthday) until the end of March. There were lots of snowbanks, just begging for an inconsolable baby. If I hadn't been so in love with her (against all reason), out she'd have gone. Nature is sneaky that way.

It's always been a relief to know that even though the public faces of most of the parents I see are joyful, there are parents who struggle with why they ever made the crazy decision to start a family, just like me. Heck, maybe even some of those joyful faces I see are a little different at home, or confiding in a close friend.

Off to a Good Start!

The school year has begun for all of us. Rob is holding off the stress (no grading yet), I think I have a good (though small) group of students in the one class I teach face-to-face this semester, and Emma is absolutely thrilled to be in the Upper Elementary class and away from the kids who caused her such heartache last year.

Last year it had gotten so bad that it affected her all the time, from separation-anxiety, to trouble sleeping, to complaining all the time. This year, she loves one of her new teachers, she's seeing the positive in her fellow students instead of focusing on the negative, and she's so eager to go to school that she's usually ready to leave before I am.  

I know it's only been a week, but the youngest group of girls in last year's class seemed to create a toxic environment that I'm so glad she's out of.  On the first day of school this week, when Rob was walking Emma from the school to the car, one of her former classmates came up to her and said "K told me that you think I'm really annoying." And the problem isn't that this girl said that to Emma --in fact, I think that's a good way to deal with it, being up front and just asking: Did you say that about me? But why would K say that to this girl in the first place?  What kind of a child goes up to another child and says "Hey, Emma says that you're annoying"?  She is betraying her friendship with Emma by repeating something Emma may have said in confidence, and she's being mean to this other girl. There is a whole group of kids who are now in their second year of Middle Elementary who acted like this all last year. Luckily, Emma won't have them in her class again, since Upper Elementary is only two years. By the time they move to UE, she'll be moving into Middle School.

We all have to learn who we can trust, and who we can't. This situation makes me think of one that Rob and I encountered several years ago. Rob had a friend, S, and he was living with a woman (J). J wanted to get married and have kids, S wasn't so sure (he was divorced, with grown kids). S broke up with J, and spent quite a bit of time with us, saying unkind things about J, and generally moaning about the relationship. Rob and I made the mistake of admitting that we'd never really cared for J as we tried to cheer him up. Big mistake! S got back together with J, and then asked Rob to be in their wedding. Very awkward, and a good lesson for us --mostly the only people we confide in these days is each other.

It's such a nice day outside. It's a pity the mosquitoes are so bad that I have to enjoy it from inside.  Even the hummingbirds seem to want to come inside, the way they hover in front of the screen, inspecting the room.

We got two inches of rain yesterday in an hour. We need to drain some water out of the pool again. I'm pretty sure the grass has grown another two inches since I mowed on Friday afternoon.

I have done nothing with the beads I bought this summer. I need to find some time for that. Although I did get five pairs of earrings for my birthday (two hand-made by Emma) so I'm actually quite rich in new earrings at the moment. One (not homemade) pair has actual fish eyes in it.

Tomatoes this year have been only semi-successful. I have two plants of early-girl, one with the green entirely gone and tons of tomatoes rotting on the vine before they're ripe. The other did okay. I wonder what gives?  I bought a big yellow that turned out to be completely tasteless --worse than winter tomatoes from the grocery store. Luckily the very large, green, plant only set about 4 fruits total. Then a yellow cherry which is okay, but not as good as the Sun Gold variety that I couldn't find this year.

I called to check up on my Espresso maker. It is sitting sadly on a shelf outside of Detroit, waiting for a part from DeLonghi. Something about the way the guy on the phone sounded, I think they have some machines that have been waiting a long time for parts.  Lesson learned about DeLonghi.

In sharing an electronic calendar with Rob, I just realized that I had both the supply-drop-off and first day of school entered incorrectly.  Drop off is Monday, not Weds, and the first day of school is Weds, not Thursday. Good thing I shared that calendar  --I might have qualified for parent of the year, bringing my child in for the first day of school on the second day of school.

There are too many things on the schedule tomorrow: an important faculty meeting (contract negotiations update) and supply drop-off/meet your teachers, both at 3 p.m.  We divide and conquer: I'll take the meeting, Rob will take Emma to choose a desk. Rob got the better job, but evenings are better if Rob hasn't been forced to attend a meeting. :-)

Fairy Houses

Emma has been busy in the garden making fairy houses, inspired by this book:

 She has been very absorbed by this for the last few days, and rediscovered an old Klutz book she has for making fairies. They are now residing in their own houses.  This is a far-shot of the first house she constructed (the only one I have photos of):

Close-up photos of the details of this house are here:

http://gardeninginrockton.blogspot.com/

Ugh. It has started.

In a week, we start teaching again.  I'm looking forward to it, although I do really wish that Emma started when (or before!) we started.  Still, we'll get through those first few days and then settle into the regular routine.

However, this is also the time when Rob seems to fall into a pit of irritation and stress, and doesn't emerge until spring.  Even the winter break and holidays don't seem to put much of a dent in his mood.  He (we) realized when Emma was young that he is ADD, but had never been diagnosed. He had developed good coping strategies which pretty much fell apart when we became parents. Part of his ADD symptoms include always feeling busy and overwhelmed, so making time for doctors visits and trying out medications has not happened. Over the years, I've tried to do things to relieve his stress --taking on some of his household chores during the school year to give him more time to handle job-related tasks. Sometimes this backfires, and he feels even more stressed because I'm doing more than he is.  More and more, though, I just try to stay out of his way.

There are many ways in which my choice of discipline has made my job easier than his, even though technically we have the same job. Geology is a lab science, so my class sizes are limited by the size of the lab facilities.  My top enrollment is 30 students per class, his is 40.  Lab classes are six contact hours, so if I teach three classes, I'm at a full load.  Math classes are mostly three and four contact hours, so a full load is usually four or five classes.  Doing the math :-), four or five classes at 40 students each adds up to a lot more grading, which is the hardest and least fun part of a teaching job. I also teach online classes, which gives me more flexibility. I feel kind of guilty about this, but I can't do anything to change it.

Truthfully, he just doesn't really like his job anymore; it's not the teaching he dislikes, it's the attitudes of the students, which he gets in spades since he teaches math. His personality is such that he takes the attitudes of his students very personally --where I can grade a really bad exam and just feel that the student has gotten what he deserves, Rob will get really angry that he spent more time grading the exam than the student spent studying.

He has tried, over the last few years, to keep his stress more to himself.  He has been successful in this, and the time we spend together as a family on the weekends is better for it. But the stress snowballs as the year progresses --biologically he's a night person and has a hard time getting to sleep before 1 a.m. But as the semester progresses, and he resents the time spent on his job more and more, he begins to stay up later and later, justifying it by telling himself he deserves some "me" time. He's also a procrastinator, so grading is always done at the last minute --sometimes until 3 a.m., when he has to get up the next morning to teach. Between the stress and lack of sleep, he's more susceptible to viruses and ends up worrying every time Emma brings a cold home. All of these things can make for a very irritable person.

So, here we go into another semester.  Part of me is excited about getting back into the fall schedule and enjoying my job and colleagues; part of me is cringing at the prospect of having to once again try to make Rob's life as easy as possible and stay out of the way. I wish I could take all his stress away, and have my summer husband all year.

Lyrics

So, while we were driving (and driving, and driving) to and from our Cali vacation, we played lots of music in the car.  Music is one of the things that Rob and I connected on when we first met, and it's a big part of both our lives.  But I'll admit it's a bigger part of his life --when we built the addition to our house, one of the rooms we added is a music room.  He (we?) owns thousands of CDs and almost as much vinyl.  We have a good bit of money invested in stereo equipment, and a wireless computer server that stores the music in "flac" format, which keeps all the digital information, as opposed to mp3s, which contain only a fraction of the information actually recorded.  Never mind that I can't hear the difference . . . .  I love the guy, so it's all worth it. :-)

One of the CDRs we listened to was a Peter Gabriel mix.  Rob has extremely broad tastes in music, but Prog Rock is one of his favorite genres.  Pink Floyd, Peter Gabriel, Marillion, etc.  I really enjoyed the music on the Peter Gabriel mix --I'm not very familiar with Peter Gabriel and early Genesis, so I asked him if I could get some of that music to load on my iTunes.  There was one song in particular that I wanted, which I'd never heard before, so I told him what it said, so he could find the correct album.  The lyrics spoke to me, which is why I wanted it.

So, I'm describing the song --"The one where he gets a message, and it's really important to him, but when he repeats it, people think he's crazy."  His response:  "Uh . . . . "

He doesn't know the lyrics of a song, by one of his favorite artists, that he chose specifically for a mix!!  Wha . . . . ??

Here's the video --it's a great song.

Good Friends and 80's Music!

This morning, one of my best friends (V) and her husband (D) continued on their journey from La Crosse, WI, to Chicago.  They stayed two nights with us, and it was such a wonderful visit --lots of great conversation, laughter, wine, cheese, and chocolate.

Last night, V started talking about 80's music, and this led to a discussion of the term androgynous. Since Emma had never heard of the term, we had to illustrate it with some music videos, and we ended up in such a fun journey back in time!  We gathered around a laptop and introduced Emma to all our great 80's memories, starting with this video:

Next was this one:

We went through the Eurythmics, the Pet Shop Boys, and one of my favorites:

Is that not one of the best videos ever?  Look at those shorts!!! Of course, by this time we had moved away from androgynous, and just into memories.  We ended with this next video, a song that Emma already knows very well:

A good time was had by all, even Emma :-)

Almost There

We're getting there.

Yesterday afternoon we cleaned and put away the solar cover for the pool, vacuumed the pool, and filled our 10 bird feeders and the two hummingbird feeders. That sounds like a lot of feeders, but we have a big property, and we like to keep the birds around because they eat bugs too.  :-)

I spent 3 hours on the riding mower this afternoon, mowing down the jungle (I'd been waiting to mow close to the weekend, so I didn't end up having to mow twice --I might have waited a day too long.) Afterward I pulled some weeds I'd noticed in the gardens while mowing.

While I was mowing, Rob weeded and swept the patio, then used the hose to wash the spider webs and other stuff off the lawn chairs and tables. He renewed the mulch around the trees and cleaned the bee-baths (these are bird-baths with stones in them as landing places for the bees --important so the bees don't think the pool is a good place to drink. We have one bird bath without a stone for the actual birds).

Emma and I went grocery shopping after a quick, cooling, dip in the pool.  We got the ingredients for the many desserts she's planning for the birthday party.  There will be a cake, but you can never have too many desserts --at least, that is Emma's philosophy.  She's also drawn up dessert menus for everyone.  We also had to get food for our Sunday-thru-Tuesday visitors, so we now have an over-stuffed fridge.

The dessert menus:

Tomorrow Emma will make the cupcakes and frozen CoolWhip/graham cracker sandwiches she's planned. I still need to clean the bathrooms and get the spare room aired and cleaned, and vacuum everywhere.

Then, hopefully, Saturday evening through Tuesday morning will just involve relaxing!

Reading

This summer I have read two novels.  Both were great, which is wonderful since I don't have much time to read anymore --it's bad to waste time on a book that's not at least really good.

The first was reviewed by Green Girl in Wisconsin: The Year We Left Home by Jean Thompson.  Green Girl wrote a great review, and it turned out to be a book I really enjoyed.  I really loved the way in which the character developments were influenced by the changing culture as the book moved through a few generations.

Just today I finished The Forgotten Garden, by Kate Morton. I read a brief review of this book, and I think it might have been written by a FB friend --I can't remember.  This book is a wonderful telling of a mystery that is solved slowly through a woman and then her granddaughter.  The mystery was unraveled so well --it was an incredibly well-plotted book.  The mystery being solved involves an event many years ago, very early in the life of the older character.  While I found the book hard to put down, it didn't have the urgency of events happening in real time, which gave space for wonderful character development, something I really love in a book.

I'd recommend both these books.