The Social Lives of Children

I recently read the book Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding The Social Lives of Children, by Michael Thompson and Catherine O'Neill Grace.

I heard about it through the newsletter for Emma's school: the staff is reading it, and encouraging parents to read it, and they're going to host a discussion. Given the experiences we went through last year with Emma and her social life, I figured I should probably read it. I'm really glad I did --it is well worth the read. I was going to blog about it anyway, but Green Girl's post about bullying made me want to get it done.

The book is not about bullying specifically, although it does spend part of a chapter discussing bullying. However, the book takes a more holistic view of our children's social lives, and I found it both enlightening and reassuring.

Emma's experience with relational aggression last year was really tough on us. I almost put her in therapy --she was having a lot of trouble falling asleep at night, and she was crying each time I dropped her off at school. A meeting with the teachers had no affect; in fact, her teachers denied that this bullying was happening. Her life became all about dealing with this one situation, and the semester this happened was a waste academically. Luckily, summer break happened before she reached her breaking point. I read a good book about this too, last year, called Little Girls Can Be Mean. Also an excellent book and one I'm going to recommend to the school --I think they need it.

This year, without the bully, has been significantly better, but not a walk in the park. However the problems that have occurred this year are all in the normal range of social behaviors for kids. A good friend started deciding she was going to play one day with Emma, and the next day with another mutual friend, and wouldn't "allow" them to hang out as a threesome (Emma and I had a long talk about attachment disorder and how it affects the way some children try to control their relationships). Another friend asked her what boy she liked and then unkindly laughed and said "never gonna happen". This same friend wants to have a BYOB party --"bring your own boy"! Emma didn't know how to react to that. And although Emma is in a multi-age classroom, there is total stratification --the 2nd years exclude the 1st years and make it quite clear that they're lower on the social ladder. (Our experience last year, and this year, have made me really question the benefits of multi-age classrooms.)

We've had conversations about these things, and this book helped me to understand the best ways to help her navigate through these social situations, and also helped me understand which situations I needed to worry about and which I could just let ride out. Like all kids her age, she'll be very unhappy with a friend one day, and back to very close to the girl the next day. Best for me not to meddle, but it helps her if I can listen and be supportive.

One of the important things I learned from this book has to do with group dynamics. There are a lot of things that happen in groups that would never happen if the situation involved just two or three kids. Additionally, the need to "belong" to a group is a very strong motivating force for even the nicest kids. In groups, nice kids will do bad things. What happens in groups is often a lot more complex than we see just looking at the actions. Belonging to a group, which most kids yearn for, is definitely a place for parents to keep close watch.

One of the best things about this book is that you hear from the children themselves. It's rather enlightening to see social situations through the eyes of the kids --they do not see them the same way we do, which makes sense since they are at a different developmental stage. But the anecdotes and research from the authors work at schools allows you to really step into the kids shoes, and shines a light on how much emotional and mental development still has to take place for them. There are some situations which to us seem many-layered, but to them are still very singular. I think it's our job as parents and teachers to help them understand the layers, but it's easier for us to do that if we first realize that they don't naturally see those layers.

I would really recommend this book for any parent or teacher. Are there any other books on this topic that you have found useful and would recommend?