Today was a better day. I walked Emma in to school this morning, and one of teachers offered to facilitate the conversation between Emma and J, one of the girls who sent the video. I was grateful for that --I know from a conversation with J's mom just how upset J was yesterday, and I thought it would be better for both kids to have an independent adult with them, rather than only one child's mother.
I've never heard from the second child's mother. Her child, G, did send Emma an apology via text message. I didn't think that was adequate, and I guess Emma didn't either, because she actually asked the teacher if she could facilitate a conversation between the two of them as well. From what Emma has told us, both conversations seem to have gone all right --brief, a bit awkward (not unexpectedly), but all right.
I know that Emma will move past this incident faster than I will. I can't even imagine having these kids in our home again, although that is likely to happen. And I'll just have to keep telling myself that they are just kids who made a bad decision.
But there is part of me that doesn't really understand how even 11 year olds could not realize how hurtful something like this would be.
I really appreciate being able to share this kind of thing with all of you, and your comments. It helps. Thanks.
Those other girls might not have realized how hurtful they were being (until the words had been recorded and received!). Emma knows firsthand how hard it is to get past an incident like this (you mentioned that she did something pretty cruel a while back) but she knows better than they do how important it is to mend fences, if possible, and get on with the business of life. Holding a grudge on her behalf won't help anyone. Forgiveness, on the other had, might help everyone.
ReplyDeleteEmma did do something stupid a few years ago, although not mean. And she was in a position where she had to call and apologize to a friend. This was helpful, because we could talk about what it was like to be the one calling and apologizing, and she could think about what to say to the other girl.
DeleteI'm impressed that Emma was self-aware enough to ask for a facilitated conversation with the second girl, too.
ReplyDeleteI suspect that people don't realize how hurtful they can be unless they have been on the receiving end. I am less surprised by G's actions than her mother's inaction.
Hopefully the girls will once again be friends, and when you see positive relationships among them, you will also be able to see beyond the incident.
I've been wondering how it went yesterday and am relieved that the teacher was able to facilitate good conversations.
ReplyDeleteAs for the one parent not responding, that is not acceptable in any way. Personally, I'd follow up, but that's just me. Also not acceptable is a text apology.
I hope today is an even better day for you and Emma.
I agree about the parent. This is a parent I don't know very well, but I am disappointed.
DeleteWe had a similar experience last year. My daughter had been very close friends with a little girl down the street their entire lives. They did everything together - they were always in the same class, sat on the bus together, everything, together. They were planning their talent show act together when the girl called one night, saying her dad said their idea was 'stupid' and that the only way this girl could be in the talent show was if he got involved in the act and changed some things. After our own family conversation over dinner, Edie decided she didn't want to do that and that she wanted to press on with her own idea. We told her we fully supported that and to talk to the teacher at school in charge of the show.
ReplyDeleteLooking back, we realized we should have called the teacher, because that's what the other dad did and while he was at it, ensured my kid couldn't have her act. By the time the teacher realized what had happened, she was horrified, apologized profusely and offered to make my daughter her right hand in running the show. My daughter was gracious enough to accept this, but it still didn't fix the friendship.
When I tried speaking to the mom about the whole thing, she acted as if she had no idea what I was talking about, until months later, when she admitted to me, "Oh, I guess that talent show thing ruined their friendship.". Yes it did.
They girls still aren't friends but this year my daughter was MC of the school talent show and made that entire thing HERS.
Kudos to you for raising a daughter that is able to look past the hurt and move on. That speaks volumes. You should rename your blog, "AWESOME at being mom".
Have you spoken to the teacher in question that supposedly backed these girls up? I would so be speaking to her supervisor to ensure that teacher gets a lesson in how to deal with these problems by not taking sides.
I did speak to the teacher today --it's the music teacher, and she's not in on Mondays. This appears to be what happened: three of Emma's friends are in this particular music group, while she's in another (they break the larger class up for specialists). These three girls decided to sing together for the show, and the third one (not involved in the video) invited Emma to join them. I'm thinking J and G didn't know B had done this, and then didn't know how to tell Emma they didn't want her to sing with them.
DeleteThe music teacher thought that Emma had invited herself into the group, naively thinking she'd be welcome. She didn't realize that B had invited Emma in.
All four kids, the music teacher, and one of the classroom teachers are having lunch today to has this out. I hope it's not too painful for any of them.
I'm so glad a teacher was willing to take this on and leave the parents on the sidelines--much less stressful for everyone I imagine.
ReplyDeleteYour daughter is BRAVE to go back the next day and deal with this directly. Kudos to her.
What gets me about this is how little face-to-face contact there was. An apology delivered in person is terribly hard to do, but necessary in this case, it seems to me. Too bad the other parent didn't make that happen.
ReplyDeleteGood for the teacher who offered to facilitate a personal discussion between the two girls. At their age an adult presence seems crucial, so that there is not further misunderstanding. And I am so impressed with your daughter for ASKING for a personal conversation with the other girl. A sign that she is being guided by a thoughtful parent.
I'm glad this was a better day and that a teacher was willing to facilitate their interaction. Thanks for letting us know how it turned out.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like Emma is dealing with this fairly well--though one cannot but hope for the comeuppance of the other girls.
ReplyDelete