My best friend is a few years out of a bad marriage that she went into in order to escape from an abusive parent. Several bloggers I read struggle daily with depression that stems from a childhood spent in a toxic family. And these are women who have recognized the problem and actively sought help --they continue to struggle even with that help.
I can't imagine trying to navigate all the intricacies of daily life while also constantly battling this past influence on your emotional and mental state. But these women do that all the time. Some of them have been lucky enough to stumble on partners who make life better through their support. Some of them, not so lucky.
When I was 17, I got involved with a guy who was a few years older than me. He was emotionally abusive, but I didn't realize that until I was too invested in the relationship to leave. When he moved from my hometown for a job in South Carolina, I went with him. I'll never understand intellectually why women like me can get trapped in that situation, but I know from experience that it happens. It took a couple of years, and important support from a friend, to make me realize I needed to leave, but I'll always remember being welcomed home by my parents.
I sometimes joke about how Emma will probably never leave home. A few years ago, before her knowledge base had increased a bit, she wanted to build her home across our driveway in our paddock. Now, at 12, she sometimes talks about how she doesn't understand how kids can go away to college, or live in their own apartment.
I'm hoping that by 17 she'll be feeling a tad more comfortable with the thought of a just a bit more physical space between her and us. :-)
But I'm so grateful that she feels that home, and her parents, are the safe and happy place to be. She doesn't need to risk everything to escape. Instead she can take smaller risks, and be happy to land here again each evening. Rob and I grew up that way, and it isn't until you're well into adulthood that you realize what a blessing it is to have the luxury of growing up in that environment. Childhood has such a lasting effect.
Well said. Childhood does have such a lasting effect.
ReplyDeleteI've been grateful for the same reason--every time my boys say they don't want to leave, I think, "YES!" because I totally DID want to leave.
ReplyDeleteI grew up with the ability to take small steps away from home, a bit at a time, and that was a good thing.
ReplyDeleteEmma might surprise you, and change her attitude about moving away. I mean, my oldest completely changed her mind about driving, between the ages of 13 and 16.
My kids' father married a woman with two children, and then they had two more--and that family was an alcoholic, dysfunctional mess. I was grateful that my own three spent very limited time there, but some of it affected them, obviously.
ReplyDeleteI had a safe and supportive (if hands off) upbringing and still made some poor choices as a young adult. The best part, of course, is once I realized my mistakes, those loving and wonderful people welcomed me back with open arms, ready to dust me off and help me find my bearings again. My mom has said, "Well, my parents helped me, and so I want to help you, and you'll want to help your own children." I like to think of my whole family as a safe harbor, forever.
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ReplyDeleteI love this post! 30 years ago I couldn't wait to have my own apartment and I had a great home life growing up. Emotionally stable, lots of love from 2 parents, brothers and sisters, lower middle class but always enough for food on the table. For me it was all about independence---coming and going as I pleased and watching tv whenever I wanted and playing my music LOUD. I took so much pride in making enough $$ to pay my bills. I guess it wasn't about 'leaving', it was more about 'arriving'. Not sure that my kids get it!
ReplyDeleteI also moved out early and enjoyed the independence --also grew up with a houseful and wonder if that is part of the reason my own apartment seemed so blissful? :-) and obviously made quite the mistake with my first long-term relationship, and having that family to welcome me home allowed me to recover and make better decisions down the line.
DeleteIt's funny. Ten years ago, I would have sworn up and down that such a thing (ending up in an abusive relationship) could never happen to me; these years later, I've seen it happen to so many of those around me- many of them highly intelligent- that I know it could very well have happened to me. I'm just lucky that it didn't.
ReplyDeleteI hope your friend is doing better and continues to heal, and I'm so glad Emma is thankful for what she has while she has it. I think that's a rare thing, indeed.
I'm glad you got out, and I'm sorry for those who can't find their way. But I'm most sorry for those who don't feel like they can go home when they want or need to.
ReplyDeleteI've got 2 nephews who were like Emma, and like Emma, they have warm, supportive, loving parents. Their mom jokes about how they'll never move out, but one did for his last full year of college. They aren't angels but they are good kids. I think it takes a really great parent for the kid to want to stay at home PLUS a special kid who doesn't drive the parent crazy.
Me? I wanted that independence, but I recognize that I was very, very lucky in not falling into a dangerous trap. It's easy to wander down the wrong road. I am so very grateful to be married to my husband.
PS: I wanted to live in the same neighborhood as my husband's parents. Never did -- they thought it would be a bad idea! --- and circumstances weren't in my favor, but I wanted my kids to have easy access to loving grandparents. Good family ties are a blessing.
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