January, 2011
I've been reading more and more blogs lately, and I find that I enjoy commenting on other people's blogs because I like having my say. The topics interest me, even sometimes when I'm not that involved in the things they're discussing. I'm definitely opinionated. I thought maybe I'd try writing down some of the things these blogs make me think about.
Mostly what I've been thinking about is what a bad mom I am. Not in the abusive/neglectful type of way, but rather that I'm really bad at being the mom. Being a good mom takes so much out of me, that it's obvious that this does not come naturally to me. I have to work very very hard at it, and at the same time I feel pretty guilty about that --I have a good kid and a good life. Why should this be so hard?
I (we, my husband was and is involved too) have a fabulous daughter who is now 10 years old. Her name is Emma. She's given both of us a tremendous amount of joy. And yet today, when her school closed because of the cold, both of us resented the change to our day. Rob doesn't teach on Friday's, so he was looking forward to a quiet day where he could concentrate, maybe even get some work done. I was thinking fondly of the period of time from 2:30 to 3:30 p.m., when he would be fetching her home from school, I would be home from teaching, and could enjoy a quiet cup of coffee on the couch without any interruptions. Should parents of such a great kid feel that way? Do other parents feel that way? One of my facebook friends posted that she was enjoying the day with her daughter --she obviously doesn't feel this way. So, what's wrong with us?
She really is a great kid. She's well-adjusted, she's loving, she's smart enough, she has friends and interests. But spending a day at home with her means pretty much being interrupted every five minutes. Well, okay, maybe it's not every five minutes anymore --but it's at least once a half hour. And you can pretty much guarantee that if you make a cup of coffee (or tea, for Rob) and plan to enjoy it before it gets cold, an interruption is in your near future. I try to head these off --"Emma, do you need anything to eat right now? I'm going to make some coffee, so I won't be able to get you anything until I'm done." No, she's not hungry. But the moment I sit down with that cup of coffee, she needs a snuggle. And if your 10 year old daughter is still enjoying snuggling up in your lap, shouldn't you drop everything and enjoy it? And when she does (amazingly) become occupied for a longer period of time, you're still expecting the interruption, so you still don't really get focused on anything.
Parents of teenagers often tell you to just wait until your child disappears into their room, never to be seen again by you. Personally, I just don't really think that's going to happen. Ever.
